Randomness

That totally describes me these days. Apparently my train of thought derailed and they scrambled it getting it back on the tracks.  Wouldn’t be quite so bad if it didn’t happen all the time. Conversations take odd turns. My filter is off too. Oh well. I guess it happens to all of us at sometime.

Its been an odd journey, re discovering who I am. For the most part I am still me. But there is now another wall up. I have no idea how to get it down. I am starting to trust him a little at a time. Its a start.

There needs to be more sun. I also suffer from seasonal depression. I need to get my tan on. Just for my state of mind lol. I just want warm.

Ok now that everone else is dizzy I’m going to head to bed. TTFN

Once again I fail

at being here every day. I try, I really do. But life isn’t crazy nuts, its close. There have been two surgeries, 1 planned, 1 emergency. Cheer leading practice and competitions. Illness, Alzheimer’s, and other assorted things.

I have written a million (not quite, but close) posts in my head. By the time I get here, they are gone. I’m still spending too much time thinking about things that can’t be changed. About people who do not even deserve my thoughts. About wasted time. Too much over-thinking.

Oh well. Things move on, and they still are getting better. My baby turned 8 last weekend. It’s just not possible. Time is going by oh so fast. I want a rewind button. For a lot of things lol. Funny thing is I really don’t want to change anything. Everything that has happened has made me who I am. There are things I would just like to see again, people who are long gone that I miss oh so very very much.

Apparently I am in a rambling mood lol. But its not bad this time. Thankfully I am getting better and stronger all the time. I am the person I used to be again, but with added strength. I now know what is important in my life and that I will go to any means to protect it.

I am me. I am very happy with that. I also really don’t give a frogs fat ass what anyone else thinks. Still moving forward

Have a wonderful evening.

Moving forward

This is not as simple as one might think. At least not in my case. I am not harping, crying or whining.

I remeber saying that this was something that I coild never ever get past. I have learned to never say never lol.

I am me for the first time in a very long time and I am loving it. My house is once again spotless. I am cooking real meals again, not just crap. I care about what is going on in everyday life again.

Tho we are in the middle of a blizzard right now and I am so sick of snow. Second blizzard in 10 days. Yay. Not.

Ok now that people know I am still alive I am going to head tocbed now. I had a really awesome post planned in my head and totally lost my thought once I signed in. Oh well maybe tomorrow.

Nytes all

Its been a long

ass few weeks. With all that has happened, I also found about two weeks worth of my meds hidden in my house. Pretty bad when I was out of meds while she was here, and she knew how bad the withdrawal was. I was almost digging my skin off and pulling the hair out of my head. But hey to each their own. Its done and over with and she is so out of my life forever. Tho I do miss her hubby and the boys. She deleted the oldest from my Facebook. Go figure. I guess she doesn’t want him to know what a cunt she really is. But she does pretty good as a mom. But that is neither here nor there.

They (who ever they are) say that everything happens for a reason. I’m guessing it does, and at least this time I know(kinda, from this side) why. Not entirely, and there still is NO EXCUSE for what he did. But things have gotten so much better here. My husband and I are doing better than ever. We are stronger, happier and way closer than in years. My mind is back where it belongs. My house looks amazing. My kids are happier. It’s a good end to a shitty situation.

As for her, I will her no ill will. I just hope that she takes care of her own life and stops trying to fuck up others lives.

TTYL

Playing on Stumble Upon

and I came across this. Since I suffer from insomnia, I found it rather interesting. Not helpful mind you lol, but interesting.

Have a good night. I plan in it. TTYL

Whats been going on…

With all the info coming out and stuff from my kids and the husband, I honestly think that what she tried to do to me was make me think I was nuts. I went to her for help several times, as I was so far in my own head I didn’t know what to think…..She would tell me at the time she would help me and then when I asked, she would act like she knew nothing about it…….just a thought I had and Im hoping that I’m wrong :/  but others saw it too….. I hate to think it, but I don’t see any other thing……I knew she was miserable with *******, but still…..why me? Why my life? Was it easier than trying to build hers? Mine isn’t perfect, but I can say, other than this, (I know its a big this) Joe is a wonderful, caring, attentive husband….it really doesn’t make sense, especially when I would literally cry to her how much I love my husband and she’d tell him I was fine….. I just dont get how one person says that she hates fakes and phonies and users, yet did this shit. I know he is far from innocent, but at least he didn’t stoop to this.  I know this rambling but i am trying to get a handle on this mess.
I do know that my marriage is better than ever. So its time to move on and make it even better.  TTYL.

A new begininng

Things have been a little, well off…..If you have been reading this at all, and if not I don’t blame you. I have been nothing but gloom and doom and nothing really good at all.

You see, I haven’t been me for a while. I have been an automaton. I have been attached to the computer, wanted nothing to do with real life. No one could talk to me, get me to do anything. I was horribly moody, temper mental  and just downright withdrawn. Nothing good going on here at all. I wasn’t even in my own head.

But I had a wake up call. A not nice one at all. I found out that I had withdrawn from my self so much, and that I wasn’t myself so bad that my husband had an affair. With my best friend. Who could damn near be my doppelgänger. She is that much like me.

I found out thru the fact that I am a bit tech savvy and I dug in his cell phone. Now, just so you know this is not something that I do. But I had that gut feeling that something was going on and I was damned determined to find out what it was…….

I found out, and it broke my heart. Not only was my husband, who is honestly the love of my life doing this, but someone who was supposed to be my best friend. I was raised that you don’t do that to a friend, period. But apparently others weren’t.

I was hurt. I beat the hell outta my husband. I beat on her. I screamed, yelled, hollered….I threw everything that my husband owns onto the front lawn in the rain. I was hurting.

But after I did all that, I sat and thought. Hard and long. I looked back on the past few months. I saw what I had become, While I DO NOT CONDONE what he did, I do understand it.

There was a good thing that came out of this. I woke up. I found out what was important to me. That is my husband and my family. Watching myself almost lose it was just too much. I decided that I was going to fight for my heart.

I knew I was going to win. I knew he wasn’t in love with her. When I found out, and I was calling them both very vile names, he never defended her. He let her leave with her husband, and never offered to go with her or take her anywhere.   That was when I realized what was going on and I just had to convince him. Didn’t take much tho. We finally sat down and talked. I got him to open up and tell me what had happened. Nothing is perfect but we are trying. I believe that we’re going to make it. We are both still in love with each other. It just took almost losing it to realize it again.

Don’t get me wrong. I am still hurt. I am going to have massive trust issues for a while. I lost my best friend in this. I don’t wish her any harm. I hope she finds what she needs in her life. We had been thru a lot over the years. I will miss her, but I can’t have her in my life any more. There will never be any trust there again no matter what.

There I feel much better getting that out. That and I am back. The real me, not the mopey whiny pathetic me. But the other girl. The one who likes to have fun and raise hell.\

My life isn’t perfect, but it’s getting better by the day

TTYL

Bah humbug

I just can’t get into it this year for whatever reason. My tree is up, there are lights up in the windows and on the porch, but that’s it.

I’ m not sure if it’s the holidays or if it’s just everything.  You can be positive for so long  before you just go fuck it. I’m at that point where the negative is taking over. I have no energy or ambition. I just do not give a flying fuck.

I have, for the past two days, done nothing but sleep. I am up from three til about 2 am, kinda. I take little naps in between.

Things have never been this tight, money wise, before. We have run out of heating oil, have little or no gas in the car, and the kids are going to have very little for Christmas this year. I am at the point I want to hibernate.

Sorry this is such a downer, I just can’t shake this funk, and if I didn’t get it out, I would probably explode……not cool.

Heres hoping to a better tomorrow!!!

Rambling thoughts………

Warning: this post is probably going to be all over the place again. I have been trying to get my thoughts into line, but they just are not cooperating.

First I am so tired of trying to stay positive. I have actually broken out in hives as of late and the worst part is that they are on my head (I have checked for other stuff and they only itch when I am irritated lol) and when I am really irritates I break out in other spots. The fun just never ends……

I don’t want to get out of bed anymore. For anything.  I have to force myself to get up and dressed to go to the school. Or anything.  I need to get into my doctor to see what we can do. I’m trying to make it so it doesn’t affect the kids, but I know it is, and I do not want that in any way.

All I do is eat. Not because I’m hungry, but just because. Of course I’m trying to quit smoking at the same time. I bought an e-cig and it has cut down on what I do smoke, but hasn’t cut down the I need to eat stuff.

Of course the really big thing is money. I don’t have any. I can’t afford to drive to the store, or down the road to my moms unless I have to. I can’t handle being trapped at the house. Its getting to me in a big way.

Thanksgiving is coming up next week. The added stress is that my ex comes up for this holiday, so for the kids sake I have to play nice. Which in my case means I start drinking around 9 am and stop when he leaves. Not the best stress management ever, but it gets me thru the day. One day I will figure out a different way to deal, but for now it works.

On a good note, my youngest is at the top of her class in everything. She blew their averages out of the water. I am so proud of her. The class average is 90 amd hers is 99. I have to say as far as my kids are concerned I have been lucky. They have a few issues, but they are all pretty responsible and have manners and whatnot. So I am pretty blessed.

If you read this thank you for that. It means a lot and input is always appreciated. I started this because it helps to get it out there and read whats on my mind, if that makes sense, Helps me put it into perspective and if someone else has input that helps bunches too

 

Have a wonderful evening

Fall housecleaning….

I am wearing my self out. I have been re-arranging the house to make it easier for my semi-invalid hubby to get around.  His not being able to walk made it so he was mostly banished to the bedroom, which was not helping at all. He is getting so depressed as he can’t work, or help in any way right now. I am trying my best to make it so he can still be a part of the family without us having to crowd into the room.

The only problem with all the re-arranging stuff, is that I have found all the things that I haven’t dusted in like forever. I forget about the top shelves because I never see them.  Oopsy, my bad lol. I saw it this weekend. Scary ass shit. The dust bunnies were killer. I thought I was going to lose an arm or something. But my big bad vacuum got em and saved the day .

Well, that’s my exciting weekend. I was going to say something about the elections, but there has been so much ignorance and intolerance, I am actually speechless. Lets just say things went the way that I personally wanted. If it hadn’t, I’d still be sitting here after doing the same things I did today. No sense in all the hate and other shit going down. FFS the election is over, you just need to deal. Hatred will get you NOWHERE!! Ok, that’s my political contribution lol.

Have a wonderful day, night, afternoon, evening…whatever