Im feeling

a bit bitter, so it’s rant time.

Once upon a time, there was this girl and she met a boy. He promised her everything, so she moved in with him. She started to notice that some things were changing, that suddenly there were no more trips, no more shopping for fun, and that his attitude had changed. She just chalked it up to the pressure of living with someone, and that things would be normal again.

So they got married and not to long after, the girl found out she was pregnant. She was happy. He was happy. Made it through the pregnancy, no problems. All was good. Then they went home from the hospital, and then stuff changed more.  The baby had colic. She never slept. The girl paced the floors for hours, not sleeping either. The boys life never changed. He still went to the bars and to the other places he went, saying that it was the girls job to raise the children, not his. His job was to bring in the money, and drink til he was stupid and yell at the girl because the baby was crying all the time. Telling her she was a bad mom.

After a bit things got a bit better, the colic stopped and they slept again. But somehow the girl ended up pregnant and had child number 2 the day after number 1’s second birthday.  Somedays I think the girl wasn’t very bright. The girl didnt realize how abusive the boy was to her. He never put a hand on her, but he would always put her down, make threats, she wasnt allowed to go out with her friends etc. But she figured that was because that there was a baby, and he “didn’t do” babies.

The next couple years go by, they move into a little house. The girls grandparents move in as they need help, and shes about the only one who was willing to do this. The boy said don’t worry, I’ll help. The girl was stupid enough to believe him.

Then the girls grandfather got cancer. And the boy hid at bars, coming home long enough to start a fight and make the girl feel worthless. While the girl was taking care of two small children, and running to chemotherapy and other doctors. The biggest mistake the girl made was one night, after chemo, she went to the bar and got very very very drunk, and she allowed the boy to touch her(she hadnt let him in a looooong time) but it was life enforcing and she needed something at that time. The girl ended up pregnant. Again. So the girl was really juggling, and with the mimimum of help that she got from the boy, she probably should have dropped. But she didn’t. In the middle of 2 kids, taking care of the grandfather, and the grandmother, her best friends son was in a very bad car accident, he was almost killed. So the girl tacked onto her other things, helping out her friend(this friend would so do this all back for me and did, shes the reason the girl was still sane)

The friends son started to better, when the grandfather died. The girl then realized everything that had been going on with the boy, when he was too busy being drunk all the time, and calling her names, to even be there for her when this happened.  So the girl started planning on taking all three kids and leaving the boy.

Then 9/11 happened, and they decided to try again. They knew alot of people that had lost thier lives and family memebers, it was all over their community. They figured that they could work it out and make a go of it. The boy tried for all of two weeks.

Thats when it got really bad. The girl had gotten a job. A good paying job that she really liked. The boy was threatened by the fact the girl was making almost as much as he was. The fighting started. All day everyday.  He was constantly degrading her, picking on her, and when, because someone at the school didn’t like the girl and called CPS on her(the case was unfounded, the social worker took one look, left and had a letter in the mail 3 days later) told her she was a horrible mother and she deserved to loose her children. So the girl started drinking, she was believeing  he was right. She was this horrible, stupid monster he was saying she was.

One day, they find out they are losing the house. So the girl says that she will go to her mothers(600 miles away) while everything gets straightened out, as there really isnt anywhere else to go for them there, with three kids.(the grandmother had already moved back by the girls mom, so she was good)

The girl gets to her mothers, is back, after all those years, into a positive environment, and starts to think clearly again. She isn’t drinking, the kids are happy. She goes into a restroom here and sees a flyer for a womans shelter, as shes reading the flyer, she realizes that almost everything on there pertains to the boy. She just sits down and cries.

But that causes the girl to get her head outta her arse. She called the boy, told him that she wanted a divorce, that she did not love him anymore, and was not going to waste another minute of her life. The other reason was that once the children were away from the boy, they told the girl and her family that the boy liked to hit them, and yell at them, and throw things at them. So the girl finally got balls enough.

I know this is bitter, and I know that I could have taken care of it much earlier than I did, but I did believe that he would change, that things would get better. You would have thought that after being told that there was no problem it was all in my head that i would have known better, but there was some delusion there. We are responsible for our lives, and I am bitter, towards myself for wasting so much time. I am also mad that I put up with it, that I let him undermine my confidence to that point. But it happens, all the time, to other people.  I just wish I could do more for those others. But there is only so much you can do, as people don’t like to hear whats wrong.

OK, that was a bit long winded, but I feel better now, even if it does kind of sound like whining, i needed to get it out. That and if there is just one person who reads it, and sees the signs and gets out, all the better. I dont see that happening, but you never know


This entry was posted in abusive ex, hope. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Im feeling

  1. Pingback: Helpless….or help needed…or something like that. « Downeastsmurfette's Blog

  2. Pingback: Many thanks « Downeastsmurfette's Blog

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s