Confuzzled

I’ll admit it. I am totally confuzzled.

I have been searching for 27 years, and I found the missing brother. Its awesome beyond words.

But it also brings up a lot of feelings that I haven’t had in years.

About my dad. My step-mother. My other brother.

My dad. I still miss him horribly. He died when I was 13, and I never really got to say good-bye. I mean I talked to him every week, told him I loved him. But there are still so many things that I wanted to tell him. I’ll never get the chance. I just hope he’s not disappointed in me. I wish that he had met his grandchildren. I wish that he had been there when I got married. I wish alot of things. I know that it will never happen, but I still have my pipe dreams :).

I’m not exactly sure how I feel about the step-mother. We didn’t get along great. I looked at her as the wicked step-mother. But as I got older, I’m not sure if that is because she really was or if it was because she was with MY daddy and she was so not my mom. To be honest, I think its a bit of both. I never wished her any ill will, and I am truly sorry that she went through all she did. There isn’t anything that I can do about that however, and I’m not going to dwell on it.

My other brother. The one I have known his whole life. We have issues, some rather large ones that I will not go into here, because they are ours to deal with and that’s that. This is either going to help get through those, or it is going to compound them and destroy an already fragile relationship. I’m hoping for the former, not the latter. Only time will tell.

My new found brother is going to be coming out here in December, after the birth of my niece. There are going to be alot of questions. The hard part is that I am going to be the only one who can answer them. My first brother has turned a blind eye to alot of things, and he still can’t talk about Daddy. It’s going to be a bittersweet meeting. I’m excited, yet apprehensive about the whole thing. I can’t wait.

We are a string family, and we will survive what ever gets thrown our way. Maybe my first brother and I can actually become friends again. Who knows?

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