A new begininng

Things have been a little, well off…..If you have been reading this at all, and if not I don’t blame you. I have been nothing but gloom and doom and nothing really good at all.

You see, I haven’t been me for a while. I have been an automaton. I have been attached to the computer, wanted nothing to do with real life. No one could talk to me, get me to do anything. I was horribly moody, temper mental  and just downright withdrawn. Nothing good going on here at all. I wasn’t even in my own head.

But I had a wake up call. A not nice one at all. I found out that I had withdrawn from my self so much, and that I wasn’t myself so bad that my husband had an affair. With my best friend. Who could damn near be my doppelgänger. She is that much like me.

I found out thru the fact that I am a bit tech savvy and I dug in his cell phone. Now, just so you know this is not something that I do. But I had that gut feeling that something was going on and I was damned determined to find out what it was…….

I found out, and it broke my heart. Not only was my husband, who is honestly the love of my life doing this, but someone who was supposed to be my best friend. I was raised that you don’t do that to a friend, period. But apparently others weren’t.

I was hurt. I beat the hell outta my husband. I beat on her. I screamed, yelled, hollered….I threw everything that my husband owns onto the front lawn in the rain. I was hurting.

But after I did all that, I sat and thought. Hard and long. I looked back on the past few months. I saw what I had become, While I DO NOT CONDONE what he did, I do understand it.

There was a good thing that came out of this. I woke up. I found out what was important to me. That is my husband and my family. Watching myself almost lose it was just too much. I decided that I was going to fight for my heart.

I knew I was going to win. I knew he wasn’t in love with her. When I found out, and I was calling them both very vile names, he never defended her. He let her leave with her husband, and never offered to go with her or take her anywhere.   That was when I realized what was going on and I just had to convince him. Didn’t take much tho. We finally sat down and talked. I got him to open up and tell me what had happened. Nothing is perfect but we are trying. I believe that we’re going to make it. We are both still in love with each other. It just took almost losing it to realize it again.

Don’t get me wrong. I am still hurt. I am going to have massive trust issues for a while. I lost my best friend in this. I don’t wish her any harm. I hope she finds what she needs in her life. We had been thru a lot over the years. I will miss her, but I can’t have her in my life any more. There will never be any trust there again no matter what.

There I feel much better getting that out. That and I am back. The real me, not the mopey whiny pathetic me. But the other girl. The one who likes to have fun and raise hell.\

My life isn’t perfect, but it’s getting better by the day 🙂


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