I applied for a job today

And I took a college placement test yesterday. Can’t wait to find put about either. Not really gung ho about the job but at least I know it and can handle it. I’m excited about college tho. I’m going to try and get a BA in justice studies. Which means after two years I can get a job as a paralegal and then.continue on to being a lawyer. I can’t wait to start.

Except the whole math thing. I failed miserably at algebra. I do ok with basic math but once you throw.the alphabet in there I am so lost its not even funny. But I’m going to take it one step at a time and I will make it.

Well its time for nite nite so I’ll catch you after dream time 🙂

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7 years

Yesterday was our 7th anniversary. Its been a rocky road with lots of conflict and issues. In December we weren’t sure if we would make it. But we have and we’re stronger than ever. We have worked thrust lots of problems and there have been many a tear shed.

Thank you baby for the renewed love and faith. Here’s to many more. I love you….

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Thoughts, revelations and a bit of insight

I’ve been a bit busy since the last time I wrote. Trying to pick up the pieces and put my marriage back together.

Its been a rough road, I’m not going to lie about it. But it has been a good journey full of all kinds of things. Hence the title of this post.

I have discovered lots about myself. That I still lover my husband with all my heart. That my allowing myself to get into that funk caused so many people pain. That I allowed myself to be a doormat. That I practically threw my husband at another woman.

Don’t misunderstand me. I in no way what so ever condone what happened. I understand that I was miserable, he was miserable and that she was too. But there is never an excuse for that level of betrayal. By the person who said for better or worse and especially for the person who called you her sister. None.

I have forgiven them both. I had to for.my own piece of mind. Then my hubby and I sat and talked and dug and talked. Then we did it all again. He told.me that he truly thought he was in love with her. Them he told.me.other things. Like they never talker about anything truly serious. Just that they didn’t know.what they were going to do next. Then he told me that to actually have sex with her he had to pretend it was me. I asked him why he thought he loved her if he couldn’t be with her during sex it had to be me.  He never really cake up with an answer but it got his wheels turning. He finally realized that he was caught up in someone who was so much like me. It wasn’t her, it was the semblance of me.

I’m not saying this to be mean. I just need to get it out off my chest and look at the long view.

The bonus is that we have totally fallen in love all over again. Things are better than ever. We are looking at everything in a whole new light and its been amazing. We are worse than a couple of kids.

They say everything happens for a reason. I am a firm believer in that. I wish it could have happened a bit differently but it didn’t. I have, for the most part forgiven and moved on. I have my life back and I refuse to dwell on the bad things. Too much good is going on. But I will never forget. I can’t and won’t. I want to remember so those things will never happen again…..

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Randomness

That totally describes me these days. Apparently my train of thought derailed and they scrambled it getting it back on the tracks.  Wouldn’t be quite so bad if it didn’t happen all the time. Conversations take odd turns. My filter is off too. Oh well. I guess it happens to all of us at sometime.

Its been an odd journey, re discovering who I am. For the most part I am still me. But there is now another wall up. I have no idea how to get it down. I am starting to trust him a little at a time. Its a start.

There needs to be more sun. I also suffer from seasonal depression. I need to get my tan on. Just for my state of mind lol. I just want warm.

Ok now that everone else is dizzy I’m going to head to bed. TTFN

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Once again I fail

at being here every day. I try, I really do. But life isn’t crazy nuts, its close. There have been two surgeries, 1 planned, 1 emergency. Cheer leading practice and competitions. Illness, Alzheimer’s, and other assorted things.

I have written a million (not quite, but close) posts in my head. By the time I get here, they are gone. I’m still spending too much time thinking about things that can’t be changed. About people who do not even deserve my thoughts. About wasted time. Too much over-thinking.

Oh well. Things move on, and they still are getting better. My baby turned 8 last weekend. It’s just not possible. Time is going by oh so fast. I want a rewind button. For a lot of things lol. Funny thing is I really don’t want to change anything. Everything that has happened has made me who I am. There are things I would just like to see again, people who are long gone that I miss oh so very very much.

Apparently I am in a rambling mood lol. But its not bad this time. Thankfully I am getting better and stronger all the time. I am the person I used to be again, but with added strength. I now know what is important in my life and that I will go to any means to protect it.

I am me. I am very happy with that. I also really don’t give a frogs fat ass what anyone else thinks. Still moving forward 🙂

Have a wonderful evening.

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Moving forward

This is not as simple as one might think. At least not in my case. I am not harping, crying or whining.

I remeber saying that this was something that I coild never ever get past. I have learned to never say never lol.

I am me for the first time in a very long time and I am loving it. My house is once again spotless. I am cooking real meals again, not just crap. I care about what is going on in everyday life again.

Tho we are in the middle of a blizzard right now and I am so sick of snow. Second blizzard in 10 days. Yay. Not.

Ok now that people know I am still alive I am going to head tocbed now. I had a really awesome post planned in my head and totally lost my thought once I signed in. Oh well maybe tomorrow.

Nytes all

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Its been a long

ass few weeks. With all that has happened, I also found about two weeks worth of my meds hidden in my house. Pretty bad when I was out of meds while she was here, and she knew how bad the withdrawal was. I was almost digging my skin off and pulling the hair out of my head. But hey to each their own. Its done and over with and she is so out of my life forever. Tho I do miss her hubby and the boys. She deleted the oldest from my Facebook. Go figure. I guess she doesn’t want him to know what a cunt she really is. But she does pretty good as a mom. But that is neither here nor there.

They (who ever they are) say that everything happens for a reason. I’m guessing it does, and at least this time I know(kinda, from this side) why. Not entirely, and there still is NO EXCUSE for what he did. But things have gotten so much better here. My husband and I are doing better than ever. We are stronger, happier and way closer than in years. My mind is back where it belongs. My house looks amazing. My kids are happier. It’s a good end to a shitty situation.

As for her, I will her no ill will. I just hope that she takes care of her own life and stops trying to fuck up others lives.

TTYL

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Playing on Stumble Upon

and I came across this. Since I suffer from insomnia, I found it rather interesting. Not helpful mind you lol, but interesting.
16 Things You Didn't Know About Sleep

Have a good night. I plan in it. TTYL 🙂

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Whats been going on…

With all the info coming out and stuff from my kids and the husband, I honestly think that what she tried to do to me was make me think I was nuts. I went to her for help several times, as I was so far in my own head I didn’t know what to think…..She would tell me at the time she would help me and then when I asked, she would act like she knew nothing about it…….just a thought I had and Im hoping that I’m wrong :/  but others saw it too….. I hate to think it, but I don’t see any other thing……I knew she was miserable with *******, but still…..why me? Why my life? Was it easier than trying to build hers? Mine isn’t perfect, but I can say, other than this, (I know its a big this) Joe is a wonderful, caring, attentive husband….it really doesn’t make sense, especially when I would literally cry to her how much I love my husband and she’d tell him I was fine….. I just dont get how one person says that she hates fakes and phonies and users, yet did this shit. I know he is far from innocent, but at least he didn’t stoop to this.  I know this rambling but i am trying to get a handle on this mess.
I do know that my marriage is better than ever. So its time to move on and make it even better.  TTYL.

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A new begininng

Things have been a little, well off…..If you have been reading this at all, and if not I don’t blame you. I have been nothing but gloom and doom and nothing really good at all.

You see, I haven’t been me for a while. I have been an automaton. I have been attached to the computer, wanted nothing to do with real life. No one could talk to me, get me to do anything. I was horribly moody, temper mental  and just downright withdrawn. Nothing good going on here at all. I wasn’t even in my own head.

But I had a wake up call. A not nice one at all. I found out that I had withdrawn from my self so much, and that I wasn’t myself so bad that my husband had an affair. With my best friend. Who could damn near be my doppelgänger. She is that much like me.

I found out thru the fact that I am a bit tech savvy and I dug in his cell phone. Now, just so you know this is not something that I do. But I had that gut feeling that something was going on and I was damned determined to find out what it was…….

I found out, and it broke my heart. Not only was my husband, who is honestly the love of my life doing this, but someone who was supposed to be my best friend. I was raised that you don’t do that to a friend, period. But apparently others weren’t.

I was hurt. I beat the hell outta my husband. I beat on her. I screamed, yelled, hollered….I threw everything that my husband owns onto the front lawn in the rain. I was hurting.

But after I did all that, I sat and thought. Hard and long. I looked back on the past few months. I saw what I had become, While I DO NOT CONDONE what he did, I do understand it.

There was a good thing that came out of this. I woke up. I found out what was important to me. That is my husband and my family. Watching myself almost lose it was just too much. I decided that I was going to fight for my heart.

I knew I was going to win. I knew he wasn’t in love with her. When I found out, and I was calling them both very vile names, he never defended her. He let her leave with her husband, and never offered to go with her or take her anywhere.   That was when I realized what was going on and I just had to convince him. Didn’t take much tho. We finally sat down and talked. I got him to open up and tell me what had happened. Nothing is perfect but we are trying. I believe that we’re going to make it. We are both still in love with each other. It just took almost losing it to realize it again.

Don’t get me wrong. I am still hurt. I am going to have massive trust issues for a while. I lost my best friend in this. I don’t wish her any harm. I hope she finds what she needs in her life. We had been thru a lot over the years. I will miss her, but I can’t have her in my life any more. There will never be any trust there again no matter what.

There I feel much better getting that out. That and I am back. The real me, not the mopey whiny pathetic me. But the other girl. The one who likes to have fun and raise hell.\

My life isn’t perfect, but it’s getting better by the day 🙂

TTYL

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